And since I can't seem to find any sleep at all again, writing at least eases my mind; relief is sure to come and if I'm lucky sleep will follow on its heels.
I'm quite a mess tonight: exhausted, dissatisfied, tense, longing. Sleep deprivation and constant heat can be hard to endure but...I'm so overly aware of myself, focused somehow.
Two words keep racing through my all too aware mind: passion and devotion. Maybe I'm too tired (and thus too weak) to fight these words, these emotions back. It's just that I truly can't, I'm dwelling on them...
I associate these powerful emotions with certain hours spent, and with a song by Jamie Cullum I can't stop listening to, can't just stop drinking in until I'm literally drowning:
It's really the whole song, but the first two lines of the second verse are killing me again and again and again...
"I said baby, baby are you ready cause it's getting close
Don't you feel the passion ready to explode"
Everything seems to be too much, too heavy: the percussive sound, Jamie's (incredibly hoarse) voice, those hours spent they so easily resemble, that person who mesmerized me so long ago.
When I was eighteen, I was already convinced that I fully understood what being passionate and devoted meant. Now, however, listening to this song and remembering quietly, I see that I wasn't even able to grasp the raw energy true passion is bound to. It's more about letting go and falling endlessly, and thoroughly so. It's about never getting enough, devouring each other, forgetting the time, the place, and the whole world. Nobody said it would be romantic, now did they? To me, it feels raw. It's insane, it's intense, and I want even more of it.
Yes, right. Now I'm stuck on the whole devour-scenario, as if I needed THAT on top of the rest. Besides, dawn is already breaking and what am I doing? Lying on my bed...yearning, craving.
Yet I'm feeling slightly lifted (sure, I'm far beyond tired by now) - light-headed in a positive way. More songs are on my mind, very sensual and sexy tunes keeping my senses alert and busy. I should hand myself over to them.
One last line from the above song, first verse:
"Baby I must say your aura is incredible"
Yeah. And that scent, even more incredible and mouth-watering beyond sanity. I believe I have finally learned how to memorize scents. Great.
Sleep, I'm coming. Hopefully.
Goodnight.
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